gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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