My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
