I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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