textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
