this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
