the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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