My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
