I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I wish I only lived at night.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize