I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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