I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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