When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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