I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
