the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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