I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
