I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
