Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'm sobbing to NWA
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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