someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize