I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
