this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
