were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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