My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
