I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
