my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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