I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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