I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
