All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
