I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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