I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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