I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize