the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
