is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
