pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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