I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
