watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
