I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
