shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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