sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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