She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Randomize
