dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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