Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
