Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
