Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize