She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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