Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
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