So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
