It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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