i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
