If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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