1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
