I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
