Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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