Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
