Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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