My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
