so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
