If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
