I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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