my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
