How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
