thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
