What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
