I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
